Goodbye to an old favourite
Today I literally stood sobbing in the Farmhouse Café when I went up to order my chai. I saw Ves’ (the owner) face, heard her say ‘Hey Arnna, how are you?’ – and it all just came out.
We chatted, I said thanks, we regrouped, hugged, said goodbyes, Billy got four biscuits, me a chai - and I wiped away the tears as we walked out the door.
I came home and meditated to gain some insight as to why there was such an outpouring of emotion for me. Within five minutes it become clear.
Ves always said my name and asked how I was. And now she is going.
During a time when I had forgotten myself, Ves kept asking how I was.
Corona, becoming a Mum, post-natal anxiety, Luke being away at uni, starting a business were all empowering and isolating at the same time – but all combined - was like a quarantine of my very own where I strengthened my trait of always looking after others before myself. And that isn’t necessarily a trait I’d like to get an A+ on.
When you look after others before yourself you tend to avoid saying how you feel (then end up lashing out in resentment), say yes when you mean no (again regret and resentment), and put your basic needs of survival (sleep, nourishing food and water) down the bottom of the pile.
In professions of health, teaching and service, we often forget to put ourselves first – and looking back to my nursing training, it’s kind of how we are programmed from day dot. From nurse’s bladder to rare tea breaks, I want to avoid this becoming about how under supported health, teaching and service professionals are, but more of a call out to everyone to take stock of where they are at in their own lives – and start to reframe things.
It’s only in recent months that I’ve taken this ‘self-sacrificing’ badge off for good. Continuing to ‘keep the peace’, ‘put others needs before my own’ and be in relationships and conversations where I feel uneasy is not how I want to live my life. I've been down that road, and I'm not going back. It’s so important to look after yourself first.
It’s so cliché – but you cannot pour from an empty cup!
And speaking of roads, since taking this path, there have been bumps and potholes, as I and others get used to me no longer being the ‘diplomat’, self-proclaimed ‘fixer’ or the ‘yes’ person. But most glaringly obvious is the sense of relief I feel. The clarity of mind and the knowingness of where my life is headed.
And, to be honest, none of this would’ve came about if I didn’t commit to working on myself daily, spend time reflecting, writing, meditating, exercising, resting and enjoying the present moment.
And when I manage to tick most of these boxes (and some days it’s a five-minute jog or a 3 minute breathing meditation), then I’m able to be the best version of me possible – Kinesiologist, mum, friend, partner all included.
So, don’t know where to start? Make it simple – with every decision you make, ask yourself ‘is this correct for ME’ – and then the rest will follow.