Setting boundaries

I always find the synchronicities of the Universe astounding.

A few weeks ago, I set some themes of what to write about in these newsletters and, of course, in true Arnna style, I’ve left it until the last minute. And I’m glad I did. Some more nuggets of wisdom (if you can call it that) to impart.

In the last three weeks (but mostly the last 48 hours) I gained more insight and understanding into the importance of setting boundaries and how to do it, than I have in the past few years.

It sounds very cliché – ‘You’ve got to set personal boundaries’ – but really, it’s so so so true!

So, what does it actually mean?

Setting boundaries is about deciding what you want and what you will accept in your life. So often we avoid setting boundaries with people due to the fear of their reaction. This leads to frustration, resentment and can be more damaging to your relationship with them than the actual conversation about setting boundaries can!

The biggest and most difficult boundary to set is that with people in your life.

Yesterday in our Chakra Intensive group we were chatting about other peoples’ reactions to the intense work, shifts and changes we’re making in our lives since committing to regular meditation. Each time a participant stated, ‘But it will upset so and so’ – the whole group, in chorus, said, ‘But that isn’t your problem.’

Amen!

How other people react to you and your boundaries is not your problem. As long as you’re speaking with love, kindness, compassion, and honesty – if the person on the other end has a concern with it, it points moreso to themselves being triggered than to what you’ve actually said.

Read that bit again. Or, actually, I’ll paraphrase it for you.

We avoid setting personal boundaries because we don’t want to upset others. Most of the time if another person is upset over your boundaries, they’re being triggered (something they need to work on in their own lives) and their reaction actually has nothing to do with you.

A good idea is to separate the behaviour and the person. Here’s an example:

We’ve decided that we want a home where Billy can safely express how he feels. So, anyone, regardless of who they are, who says ‘Don’t be a sook’ to Billy when he cries – I call them out on it.

I’m making it clear that I don’t want that behaviour or treatment in my home. It’s then up to the OTHER person what they do with that information. They can choose to adjust or keep behaving the same. If they behave the same – I’ll call them out. It is my little family’s home, so we decide what we want in it.

The actual conversation about the boundary is not the hard part. It’s the aftermath that can be harrowing. We cannot be certain of how someone’s going to react.

But it’s super important to be true to ourselves, speak with loving kindness when setting boundaries – and allow the other person to manage their feelings how they see fit. Everyone’s responsible for how they behave and react.

So now that we've discussed the relationship boundaries, what about the other stuff? And this is where I had my epiphany!

We have to be clear with what we want to fill our lives with. I’m simply astounded at how many people are saying ‘I’m okay with lockdown because I’m looking for a break’. Why have we become so busy that we applaud a government enforced lockdown to give ourselves permission to rest? When did we lose control on our lives?

When I initiate this topic of conversation with others – I get a defensive response, which is fine. But what are people defending? Their CHOICE to be this busy?

Just think about that for a moment.

Let’s put some boundaries in place so that we don’t pray for a statewide lockdown for a breather!

How are we going to do this?

Audit

Now this is where my recent 'aha' moment stems from. If you're feeling overwhelmed - you have diddly squat chance of being about to gain clarity whilst you're still in it. Therefore, anything you do put in place may be reactive and not essentially aligned to what you need.

Take some space.

Get away.

Lock the doors.

Stop.

Do what you need to do to find that space.

Then do a life audit: What's sucking your energy? Where are you saying yes when you mean no? What needs to give?

Decide what's important

Now that you've had some space, you'll quickly understand what needs to give and where boundaries need to be set. So, make the changes - then and there. Be calm and confident in your decisions.

Is it work? Do you need to change your hours? Not answer messages after a certain time? Leave work at work?

Is it phone usage? And, whilst you're at it, check out your social media and phone scrolling. I had a client recently that was spending 4 hours a day on her phone. That is 60 days a year scrolling. It's a lot, yeah? Have a geezer at what your usage is like.

Is it disrespect from others? How can you shift this? Are your nights so consumed with 'Oh, I should've said this, that, the other'? (TIP - Work on why you're so triggered by their disrespect. The energy around the situation will shift and that person won't be a part of your life anymore or they will know the boundaries).

Problems

Do you have a problem saying no? Then work on it. Do the inner work to find out why you say yes to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Do you have a problem with expectations and the associated overwhelm? If yes, then again - work out why. Do the work.

I'll continue to pop into your mailbox with tips and tricks of what to do, but unless you commit to daily work, daily self check ins and daily quiet time - not much of this is going to shift.