Comparisonitis
So what is it?
In simple terms it is the compulsion or automatic thought of comparing yourself to other people, and placing greater importance on what they have or have achieved relative to your own life and achievements.
So really – it is a past time that sets you up for feeling like crap.
And we are most probably all guilty of doing it, at one stage in our lives!
So, before we delve deeper into comparisonitis – I’d like you to just stop – for a minute, and depending on when you are reading this – do a bit of a review of how comparisonitis has slipped into your day today, or yesterday.
Your thoughts may include some of the following:
‘oh I wish I was there’ when you are scrolling through Instagram
‘I wish I had her body’ as you walk up the street
‘I wish I had his top’
‘Their job is much nicer than mine’
‘They don’t know what it’s like to be busy’
‘I should’ve sold my house for more money like the neighbours’
‘If only we had the money to buy a speed boat’
‘If only my husband would vacuum the floors like Kate’s does’
See how much of a rabbit hole this is?!
So, be honest here, what percentage of your thoughts are centered around comparing yourself and your life to others. Or think of it this way – how long do you spend ‘wishing’ you were doing something else?
When I had my son, I found myself amidst the throes of post natal anxiety (a whole other post on that another time) – which lead me down the path of severe comparisonitis. Especially in the realm of raising a child – because every person and their freaking pet cricket has an opinion on how to look after a baby! It was all encompassing and bloody down right dangerous AND I just wanted to be the BEST mum there was!
It wasn’t until I stopped (got a bit of medication to help the old anxiety) and listened to old hubster that I realised that I was the absolute best person to work out what my son needed. I grew him. I repeat – I grew that baby. He is me.
So when I was anxious, he would be anxious. And when I was absent minded, he would up the anti of ‘hey mum, I’m over here’ness.
And most importantly, there was not a fat bat’s chance in hell that I would be able to tap into my intuition to work out what was in his best interests when I was in the comparison anxiety state.
Because when we are in a heightened anxious state, our body pretty much takes the attention away from our emotions, intuition and thoughts and feelings and moves it to ‘let’s get the hell out of here’ mode. We are primates, who were built to respond to danger by flooding our muscles and vital organs with blood so that we can run away from the tiger.
The thing is, in this day and age we perceive A LOT of things as stressful. Even writing an article like this can be deemed stressful if you’re on a dead line. But really, there isn’t a tiger breathing down my neck here – it is my perception of urgency that is warped. And what happens when we compare ourselves to others is that our perception of reality AND urgency gets a little warped – moving us to function from a mindset of lack and have a fear of missing out.
And there you have it – FEAR.
A fear of:
Not being good enough
Not being accepted
Fucking our kid up
Being the mum at mum’s group whose kid doesn’t sleep
Being picked on (hello old school yard bullying experiences that need to be worked on!)
Being ostracised
Being seen as different
Not being liked by the blokes at footy
Being, of being, of being – the freaking list is endless!
The danger of comparing your life to others, is that you function from fear which triggers the body into a stress state. This causes hormones designed to make us either fight, fly or freeze to be released! And physiologically what these hormones do is prepare us to defend ourselves as we think we are in danger.
To do this, as mentioned before, blood is diverted away from digestion and thought processes, to our vital organs and our switched on ‘meerkat’ response – where we are constantly looking for danger. This is not the optimal state to be in on a regular basis and after a while our body gets tired of this hormone (adrenaline) pumping through our system, that our heads become foggy and become irrational and forgetful. Remaining in this state sends a further cascade of hormones which create further damage – but that is for another time!
Basically – if you are spending your day feeling ‘not good enough’ and constantly comparing yourself to others – you are putting yourself in a slight fear state which is placing you further away from doing what you intuitively want to do with your life!
So what do we do about it?
Firstly – stop it. Easier said than done hey? Yep, I know – I’ve been there. And I’ve seen heaps of clients who suffer from comparisonitis as well.
So, let’s try again.
Be aware that you do it. Own it. And be ok with the fact that you’ve slipped into this mode
Decide if you want to keep doing it or not. If you do, great – embrace your choice. If you don’t want to – keep reading.
Work out your Not Negotiables. What are four things that you need to do for you each day so that you’re a good human? It can be as simple as ‘have a shower’. Remember we can’t pour from an empty cup. And usually those that suffer from comparisonitis don’t fill their cup first, because they’re too worried about what everyone else is doing. Got to fill your own cup.
Start to think about what you want with your life. If you want help with this download the free Evoke Focus download. If you want further help with this – get the Evoke Self video series.
And then show up each day and promise yourself you’re going to live your life. Not the persons on Instagram, or the farmers over the paddock.
So unlike the meer kats on the tv – don’t compare, I don’t dare you
Much love - Arnna
(Ps - If you’d like to book an appointment, the online appointment system has reopened - please click here to book!. NB: ALL appointments are via ONLINE (zoom), until further notice)
Oh and a new round of Evoke Active and Evoke Meditate will be starting on November 1, 2020 - if you’re interested in joining please click on the program names and it will direct you to the website where all the information is. The first rounds sold out in a week, so please don’t leave it too long to join!